


at this rate, the only remaining thing might be regret

by kistachies (hqkaiden)



Category: UP10TION
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Anxiety Disorder, Gen, wooseok is mentioned but im not gonna tag him whoops
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-14
Updated: 2016-09-14
Packaged: 2018-08-14 23:29:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8033212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hqkaiden/pseuds/kistachies
Summary: sungjoon tends to make a fool of himself.





	at this rate, the only remaining thing might be regret

**Author's Note:**

> hi im back with ANOTHER sungjoon-centric u10t fic dont u guys love me
> 
> so this was supposed to be really sad n i was gonna project my sadness onto sungjoon in this (again) but halfway thru writing it i unconsciously had a change of heart and my fingers typed out this ending instead. so.
> 
> btw, the musical in the fic is 'the pirates of penzance'!! the lines they say near the end are also lines from the musical ! my summer program did the musical & it was really good i would definitely recommend u watch it at some point ok .
> 
> (and also yein's role in the musical is the one named ruth if that makes things a bit clearer)
> 
> the title is from 'run - (ost. task force 38)' by jinhoo, bitto, & sunyoul 
> 
> my twitter: @jisungsluv

_i’ll just make a fool of myself if i go up there,_ sungjoon thinks.

 

he’s sitting in the audience section of his school’s auditorium, watching as student after student goes on stage, auditioning for a role in the school’s musical. most of them are purely hopefuls; they stand up there, stiff, eyes darting between the ceiling and floor as they monotonly recite their lines. but sungjoon knows-- _absolutely positively knows_ \--, that if he could bring himself to go up there, to will his legs to _move_ , he’d have the lead role after saying two lines. he stayed up countless nights, rehearsing and repeating the script until it was all he knew. he even _dreamt_ about his lines. he can say them backwards, forwards, and can even say them in choppy english and chinese.

 

the only thing stopping sungjoon from marching on stage and stealing the mic, as well as the lead role, is himself.

 

himself and his anxiety.

 

if only he didn’t collapse in a fit of tears, trembling, choking on his own breaths, the moment he gets on stage. the moment he gets in front of _anyone_ that can openly criticize and mock him.

 

the last person finishes their monologue, and the director calls out for anyone else that would like to go.

 

sungjoon twitches his hand, and the directors asks again.

 

without a thought, sungjoon stands, and raises his hand.

 

the director motions for him to come up, and suddenly everyone is looking at him. he lets out a shaky breath and moves toward the side-stage steps. his knees feel weak, and for a moment he thinks he’ll fall down the steps.

 

he takes slow steps to the middle of the stage, too careful about tripping or stumbling. once he reaches a red ‘ _x_ ’, denoting where he should stand, sungjoon looks up and out at the audience. even though only 14 people came to auditions, it feels like 14 thousand.

 

“your name, please?” the director’s voice is soft and kind, but to sungjoon it sounds like she’s moments away from yelling at him.

 

“lee.. lee sungjoon.” he tries to make his voice louder, as if he’s confident. (he’s not.)

 

while the director scribbles on her clipboard, sungjoon spots people whispering in the audience. he knows they’re not talking about him--rather, they’re most likely discussing the unruly amount of biology homework that mrs. choi assigned--but a little voice in his head tells him otherwise.

 

_they’re probably talking about how pathetic you’ll look up here. they know you’ll barely utter a word before bursting into tears and running out of the building. there’s no point in faking it, sungjoon. everyone can see through it, they know how weak you are, how pitiful you look. just give up. it’s not like you’ll--_

 

his thoughts are cut off by the director.

 

“whenever you’re ready.” sungjoon nods, and takes a deep breath. he tries to recall his lines from the start of act I, and blanks. he doesn’t remember his lines.

 

he should have expected this, really. no matter how many times he committed them to memory, he knew that the words would disappear the moment he steps on stage.

 

sungjoon shifts from foot to foot, eyes trained on the shiny floor in front of him. off to the side-stage sits yein, a friend of sungjoon’s. as if sensing his situation, he runs on stage and begins saying another character’s lines from the script.

 

“and ruth, your own ruth, whom you love so well, and who has won her middle-aged way into your boyish heart, what is to become of her?” yein gives sungjoon an expectant look, but sungjoon stares at him like he’s grown two heads.

 

before the director can scold yein, changhyun, another person in sungjoon’s friend group, quickly makes his way on stage as well. “why, he will take you with him!” changhyun shoves yein towards sungjoon, just as the script says to do.

 

sungjoon, by now, has caught onto what his friends are trying to do. he nods, slowly, as if making sure he’s understanding the situation. yein nods back, and makes a hand motion to tell sungjoon to keep the dialogue going.

 

“well, ruth, i feel some difficulty about you. it is true that i admire you very much, but i have been constantly at sea since i was eight years old, and yours is the only woman’s face i have seen during that time. i think it is a sweet face.” when he began the line, his voice was shaky and weak; but as he goes on, he begins to project his voice more and more. the script starts to come back to him; and instead of focusing on the few people watching, he focuses on yein and changhyun, both on stage with him. (suddenly, he doesn’t feel so pathetic and pitiful anymore.)

 

yein replies with his line at lightning speed--but it _is_ fairly simple, afterall. “it is--oh, it is!”

 

“i say i _think_ it is; that is my impression. but as i have never had an opportunity of comparing you with other women, it is just possible i may be mistaken.”

 

changhyun pipes in. “true, true indeed.”

 

sungjoon moves with the next line, walking closer to the audience, as if trying to engage them. “what a terrible thing it would be if i were to marry this innocent person, and then find out that she is, on the whole, plain!”

 

a fourth person, wooseok, runs on stage for the next line. “but ruth is… well… _well!"_

 

changhyun nods. “yes, very well indeed!”

 

sungjoon does his next lines with ease. he can feel the anxiety leaving his body, himself getting lighter and lighter with every passing second. instead of focusing on controlling said anxiety, he tries his best to not laugh at the emphasis changhyun puts on random words when speaking, nor his _very_ exaggerated motions. 

 

the quartet finish out the scene and bow. when they rise, the other students and the director are clapping--as well as the janitor in the back, whom has a bit too much enthusiasm.

 

maybe he didn’t do too bad.

  
(two days later, the cast list comes out. sungjoon gets the lead and spends the rest of 6th hour weeping tears of joy in the bathroom.)


End file.
